Bum Thumb, Loose Screws, and GERD

Okay, so discussing one’s own medical maladies is admittedly a dangerous topic. Do you, like me, practice your ho-hum eye roll whenever someone says, “Let me tell you about my operation”? But wait! This blog piece will rivet you to your computer screen; it will bring smiles and chuckles. Uh-oh. I just typed the second most dangerous way to begin a blog post – self-announcing how entertaining the topic will be. Well, you be the jury. I have thick skin (and a bum thumb and GERD).

This story begins when my middle daughter was hospitalized week before last, for what turned out to be her gallbladder. From Wednesday morning until Friday afternoon I undertook a text frenzy from her bedside, keeping “family group” updated on her condition and treatment, as well as answering multiple individual texted responses. It wasn’t until the weekend that I paid attention to the fact that my formerly enlarged and ouch-y left carpal-metacarpal thumb joint (nearest the wrist) was now constantly crying and complaining, with moments of lightning pain and numbness, accompanied by increased swelling and redness. Something was wrong.

Dutiful patient that I am, I saw my family physician on Wednesday. She said probable tendonitis on top of already existing arthritis. Ice it three times a day, purchase and wear a left wrist splint for two weeks, and take Aleve for the inflammation. Oh, that’s right; you have GERD, so an anti-inflammatory will probably damage your stomach lining. Well, try acetaminophen, for the pain. And no more texting! (Yeah, like that’s going to happen…) Oh, yes, GERD is gastroesophageal reflux disease, also known as gastric reflux.

Fast forward to Thursday (oh, that would be the next day), when my left ankle started whining. Now granted, I have hardware in that joint, from when I fractured it about 15 years ago. Hardware – that’s what medical people call the metal that orthopedic surgeons install on a broken bone to stabilize it for healing. Sometimes they take it out later; sometimes they leave it there. (Mine’s still there.) Some people with hardware have increased pain during cold or rainy weather; some don’t (I don’t). So I’m wondering why my ankle is whimpering more than usual; it’s raining, but that’s never been a problem before. After getting home from Bible Basics at Vineyard, I inspect the ankle more carefully. I notice how it’s red, swollen, and tender to the touch. I wonder what’s going on.

Friday at work, I discuss my symptoms with the RNs at my company; they are case managers, pre-certification and utilization review nurses. They suggest varying causes for my symptoms, but all agree I should call my doctor. When she calls me back, she thinks I might have a loose screw. She orders an immediate X-ray, ice to the ankle, and Aleve even though I have GERD, with a follow-up appointment on Monday. When I report back to the nurses at work, one has the nerve to say, “Well, we could have told you that, without your doctor’s opinion!” The hardware, you see, is a metal plate attached by 7 or 8 screws. Perhaps the funniest part of this story concerns the order written by my MD and faxed to the X-ray facility. It said, “Left Ankle X-ray – Loose Screw.” I kid you not. You have to understand my doctor is A Real Person With a Wonderful Sense of Humor. I love her.

In the continuing sub-plot of the bum thumb, I found it necessary to actually purchase the splint. See previous paragraph where I mention the second appointment with Dr. T. She would not be happy about non-compliance. Besides, she is Always Right. I found a lovely thumb splint at Wal-Mart and obediently applied it on Saturday. Now, until you can’t use your left thumb, you cannot fully appreciate how many daily tasks require one. I clearly empathized this morning with my oldest daughter. First, you have to understand that when God was creating body parts for His children, He forgot a left hand for this beautiful, accomplished woman. (That would be ICD-9 Code 755.21 – congenital absence of forearm including hand.) So, my daughter, I’ve witnessed you deftly put on pantyhose (along with all the other daily routines you skillfully perform with only one hand), but help me now: how do you fasten your bra?

Update: I just spoke with Daughter #1. She says, "No, Mommy. God doesn't forget anything. That's the way He made me." And, "I fasten it in front. You taught me to do it like that." Interesting, how much I have forgotten in life.

Well, we have yet to confirm for sure whether I have a loose screw or not. Opinions do not count. We’re looking for medical evidence, here. Screws in orthopedic hardware do work themselves loose. In my own defense, no test has been ordered on my brain.

We’ll find out about my ankle tomorrow morning.

Nana and the Nutcracker – A Christmas Story

Once upon a time, not too long ago (on Tuesday, actually), a particular Grandma (let’s call her Nana) invited her six-year-old grandson (let’s call him Travis) to stay overnight with her and spend the next day together, while his mother (her daughter – let’s call her Marie) attended In-Service Training. As Nana considered what they would do the next day, Travis’ cheerful chatter convinced her they would put up her Christmas tree, though hardly anyone ever comes to her small home any more, and she hasn’t decorated at Christmas for years. (The family always holds Christmas festivities at Marie’s older sister’s house, also Nana's daughter, of course. We won’t give the sister a fake name, because she doesn’t appear in this story again.)

The next day, when Nana brought out the Christmas tree, she remembered Why She Avoids Decorating Christmas Trees. Though the Christmas Stuff Section of her highly-organized walk-in closet was replete with strings of Christmas lights – five, to be exact – only one worked. Three did not light up at all. A fourth had no lit bulbs from the plug to the middle of the string, but all bulbs were fully functional from the middle to the end. A mystery. A brief telephone consult with Uncle Carl – all-wise fixer of most mechanical, electrical, and automotive problems – failed to solve the issue of the half-lit string of lights.

Now you must understand that this was a small tree. Picture a four-and-a-half-feet tall, artificial green tree-like object (just a tad taller than Travis, if you bend the top branch down, which he did). The point is, one string of lights would not do. So off Nana and Travis traveled to the Dollar Store to find a multi-colored second set to match the aforementioned only working set of Christmas tree lights.

You remember the part “she hadn’t decorated for years”? Well, the Dollar Store wasn’t exactly the right place to find a match for her retro Christmas lights. But she found some inexpensive ornamental balls; you know how someone’s always dropping them, or stepping on them, into smithereens. She was about ready to leave, when Travis discovered the Nutcrackers – yes, the brightly-painted wooden images of the soldier from Tchaikovsky’s ballet. Travis was fascinated. There were two sizes, the $1 size and the $5 size. Nana allowed him to choose between the red or blue uniformed $1 figures (“Red, please, Nana”), and she put one in their basket.

Then (violins playing in a minor key), Travis pulled a $5 Nutcracker from the shelf and began to inspect it – manually – but with his gloves on. Of course, it fell to the floor and broke. More specifically, a foot broke off. Travis was almost in tears. How much trouble was he in? “It just slipped out of my hand, Nana,” he said, shifting culpability to the Nutcracker. When Nana told him he was not in that much trouble, he became philosophical. “I think it was because of my gloves.” Since she is such a nice Nana, she told Travis she understood it was an accident, but that he must be more careful. And she forcefully reiterated The First Rule for Children in Stores: No touching or picking up anything, because of The Second Rule: If you break it, you pay for it.

Now, Nana had a moral dilemma. It was possible to place the foot back on the Nutcracker (he was standing on a base, you understand), and leave it on the shelf, looking quite undamaged. Until someone else came along and picked it up, that is. At which time, Nana and Travis could be long gone. But, as you have probably guessed by now, Nana did The Right Thing. She took the $5 Nutcracker to the checkout, confessed to the clerk that Travis had accidentally broken it, and she paid for it.

The end of the story has almost unfolded. All that’s left is what should Nana do with the damaged Nutcracker? Should she find some Super-Glue, put the foot back on, and send it home with Travis? “No,” says Marie when she comes to pick him up. “I’m not going to make a big deal of this, but he doesn’t get to have the big Nutcracker, just the little one.” So, should Nana set the Nutcracker out at her house, with one foot missing? The foot is black (a boot). The base is black. It isn’t all that noticeable. And the instructions printed on the bottom of the knick-knack clearly state “This is not a toy. For decoration only.”

Then Nana remembers the “white elephant” gift exchange her work-team is having on Friday. The gift must be under $10 (check). It can be something someone else gave you that you don’t want. (Not an exact match, but she definitely didn’t want it. Check). And wasn’t there something in the Nutcracker story about the toy’s being broken, anyway? (Yup! See the Goggled synopsis of the first act below.***)

So, she finds some two-sided tape in her junk drawer, performs minor surgery on the foot, wraps the item in several layers of tissue paper, and places it lovingly in a gift box. To assuage her guilt about passing off a broken “decoration” as a present, she includes a lovely gold and green Christmas tree ornament (purchased last year after Christmas). And yes, she will confess at the gift exchange the whole truth about the Nutcracker’s accident. Perhaps she will direct whoever ends up with the gift to her blog, where this story will be posted.

She hopes you are enjoying the Christmas season with your family, too.

***It's Christmas at the Stahlbaum home. There's a huge tree, and many guests arrive to celebrate with the family. Clara's godfather, Herr Drosselmeyer, makes magical toys. He entertains the guests with two life-sized dolls that dance around the room. Then he gives gifts to the children, and gives Clara a very special gift of a nutcracker. Her brother, Fritz, is jealous, grabs the nutcracker, and it gets broken! Clara is very upset, so Herr Drosselmeyer repairs the doll before handing it back to her. http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_story_of_nutcracker